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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.

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You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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Make money, don't let it make you.

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I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.

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Maturity is knowing when to be immature.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

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Don't judge a book by its movie.

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When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.