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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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Cockiness is just confidence without confidence.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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Love always costs more than you can afford, but its always worth the price.

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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.

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I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.