I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.
Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.
Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.
After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Haters are just confused admirers.
