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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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Winners do what other people won't.

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.

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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.