I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
