He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Maturity is knowing when to be immature.
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
You inspire me to be a better pervert.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.
The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
Face your problems, don't facebook them.
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
