He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!
If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.
