He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...
I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
