Wherever you go, there you are.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.
Wild hearts can't be broken.
You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.
To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
