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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.

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Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.

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I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.

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Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.

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Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.