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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.

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I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.