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Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

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WORRY looks around. REGRET looks back. FAITH looks forward.

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

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I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.

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You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.

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Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.