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Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?

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You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.

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Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.

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I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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Playing comes first, you can work later.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you weaker and weaker until it eventually kills you.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.