Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.
Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.
To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
F that B.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
