Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
You can't define love, but love can define you.
Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.
Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
Its the scars that can't be seen that take the longest to heal.
