My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.
So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
