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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

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It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

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Cockiness is just confidence without confidence.

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I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.

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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesnt happen again.

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Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.

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I hate people who are lazy. They're so lazy, they don't even finish their own