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I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.

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The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.

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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.