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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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History always has a way of repeating itself, bad or good, a perfect circle.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.

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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

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Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.

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Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Dreams lift when reality falls.