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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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I need a six month holiday, twice a year.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

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Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.