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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!

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Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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Born to be different, like everyone else.

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An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.

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Be positive for no reason.

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If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.

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Everybody is a student for life.

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Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.