I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.
Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Ohh, that sounds kinda harsh. I better add a 'lol'.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
