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I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.

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Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.

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I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

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Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.

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Some take the bait, others reel it in.

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Single doesn't always mean lonely and Relationship doesn't always mean happy.