I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
True friends stab you in the front!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.
Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.
24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.
Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.
Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
