The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?
I eat problems, then shit out success.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.
Haters make you famous.
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.
