Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
Nice guys finish last, that is because they put their girls first.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.
The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.
You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
