Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.
Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.
