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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.

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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.

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That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.

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Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."

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Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.