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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.

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Be positive for no reason.

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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.

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Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.