You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
