A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.
When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.
When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
S_CCESS can't be complete without U.
Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
