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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

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I need a six month holiday, twice a year.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.

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Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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History always has a way of repeating itself, bad or good, a perfect circle.

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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.