It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.
Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."
