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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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History always has a way of repeating itself, bad or good, a perfect circle.

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Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.

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I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.

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I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.

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I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.