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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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Always remember to smile.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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I put the laughter in manslaughter.

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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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Behind every girls favorite song, is an untold story.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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I eat problems, then shit out success.

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From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.