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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.

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My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

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Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.