I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.
I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
Would you like a table? ... "No, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, a carpet for 5 please." -_-
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Its the scars that can't be seen that take the longest to heal.
When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.
Perception is everything.
