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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.

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Maturity is knowing when to be immature.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."

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I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.