2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
If your not going to win the argument, lie.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.
Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.
Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.
The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.
