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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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Aspire to inspire before you expire.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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You can't buy love....but you pay heavily for it.

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.

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I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."

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Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.

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The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.

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I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.

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If you can't beat them, taze them.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.