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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.

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S_CCESS can't be complete without U.

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Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.

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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.