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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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I hate people who are lazy. They're so lazy, they don't even finish their own

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?

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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.

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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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I know the beginning and end of this book but what shapes life are the chapters between.

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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.

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If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.