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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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S_CCESS can't be complete without U.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.

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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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Trust in God but lock your car.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.

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Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.

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I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.