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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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When your mum decides to be in the room while you're on the computer so you just switch to Google and just stare at it.

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The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Face your problems, don't facebook them.

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I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.

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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."

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Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.