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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

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I think therefore I am, we think therefore it is.

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.

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The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.

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A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.

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I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.

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I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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Take it easy, give it hard.

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The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.