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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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Would you like a table? ... "No, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, a carpet for 5 please." -_-

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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.

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Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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Nice guys finish last, that is because they put their girls first.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.

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I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.