I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
True friends aren't bought, they are earned.
Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
S_CCESS can't be complete without U.
Testing boys by not responding to their txts to see if they'll txt you again.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.