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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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True friends aren't bought, they are earned.

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Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.

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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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S_CCESS can't be complete without U.

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Testing boys by not responding to their txts to see if they'll txt you again.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.