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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Once upon a time, there was a boy and girl who loved each other. Then a slut came and ruined everything. The end.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.

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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.