When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.
Don't allow someone to be your priorty while allowing yourself to be there option.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.
Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world.
Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.
Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
