When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
The smile is every woman's sexiest curve.
It isn't till you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
