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When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.

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No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

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Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.

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Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.