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NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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Regret lasts longer than fear.

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I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face

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The lottery: voluntary taxation.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Don't wait for anybody to complete you.

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Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.

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I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?

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It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.