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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.

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I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.

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Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts....even if they don't stay in our lives.