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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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Don't judge a book by its movie.

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If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?

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Winners do what other people won't.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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F that B.

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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.