Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
True friends stab you in the front!
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.
The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.
It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
Negativity is poison for the soul.
I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.
Ohh, that sounds kinda harsh. I better add a 'lol'.
