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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.

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I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.

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Playing comes first, you can work later.

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Haters are just confused admirers.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.