Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.
I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
