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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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Ohh, that sounds kinda harsh. I better add a 'lol'.

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Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.

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It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

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Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.

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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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True friends aren't bought, they are earned.

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.