Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.
The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
