Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.
Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.
Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.
Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?
I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.
