Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.
Wild hearts can't be broken.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
