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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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Sadly some boys think of girls as books; If the cover doesn't catch their eye they don't bother to read whats inside.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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Perception is everything.

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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

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I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.

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Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.

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That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.