Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
You live and you learn.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
You can't define love, but love can define you.
If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
