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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.

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It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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Don't judge a book by its movie.