Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
Real eyes realize real lies.
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
Immaturity keeps me young.
I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.
Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.
You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I eat problems, then shit out success.
