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Maturity is knowing when to be immature.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

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The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

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Take it easy, give it hard.

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Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.

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A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.