Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.
The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.
I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
You inspire me to be a better pervert.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.
I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
