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Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.

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I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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Negativity is poison for the soul.

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.