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Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.

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Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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Born to be different, like everyone else.

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WORRY looks around. REGRET looks back. FAITH looks forward.

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When your mum decides to be in the room while you're on the computer so you just switch to Google and just stare at it.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.