Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Trust in God but lock your car.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.
