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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.

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Don't look back. You'll miss what's in front of you.

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"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Make money, don't let it make you.

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If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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History always has a way of repeating itself, bad or good, a perfect circle.

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.