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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

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The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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It is true that there is no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in win.

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.