Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
