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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.

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I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.

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Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.

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A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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Everybody spread positivity.