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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

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Immaturity keeps me young.

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Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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I eat problems, then shit out success.

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Born to be different, like everyone else.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.