I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
The world is full of guys, be a man.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.
Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.
Wild hearts can't be broken.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Some people should be high-fived...in the face.
