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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.

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That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.

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Take it easy, give it hard.

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Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?