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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.

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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.

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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.

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Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.

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Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.

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From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.

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The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.

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I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.