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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.

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Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.

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I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.

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Trust in God but lock your car.

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.

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If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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Regret lasts longer than fear.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

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Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.