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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.

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Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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Born to be different, like everyone else.

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Wild hearts can't be broken.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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True friends aren't bought, they are earned.

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.