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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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WORRY looks around. REGRET looks back. FAITH looks forward.

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Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

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I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.

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I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?

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Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.