No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
Wild hearts can't be broken.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.
Face your problems, don't facebook them.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.
We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.
