No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.
Make money, don't let it make you.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.
My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.
Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
