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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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I need a six month holiday, twice a year.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.

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It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.

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I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.