The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
The notion that you feel my pain is extremely uncertain. You have to apply the experience and pain of my life in order to come to this road.
Nice shoes! Wanna screw?
Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.
Take it easy, give it hard.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.
