The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Maturity is knowing when to be immature.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
