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The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.

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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.

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If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.

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When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.

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Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.