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The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.

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That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.

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Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.