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The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

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Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.

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If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.

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Haters make you famous.

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NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end.

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If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.

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If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.