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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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You can't buy love....but you pay heavily for it.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.

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I'm not a nerd, I'm just smarter then you.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?

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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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Shit happens bro. Now get over it.