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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

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Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.

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Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

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Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

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Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.