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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

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There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.