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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.

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When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.

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Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.

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Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

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Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.

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Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.

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Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)

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I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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It is true that there is no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in win.

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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?