The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.
Don't wait for anybody to complete you.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
