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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.

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If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.

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Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!

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Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.

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I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Playing comes first, you can work later.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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I know the beginning and end of this book but what shapes life are the chapters between.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.