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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

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You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Face your problems, don't facebook them.

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You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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Make money, don't let it make you.

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If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.

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If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.

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Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.