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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.

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God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.

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When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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Haters are just confused admirers.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.

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You inspire me to be a better pervert.

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Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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Sadly some boys think of girls as books; If the cover doesn't catch their eye they don't bother to read whats inside.