The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
Haters are just confused admirers.
I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
You inspire me to be a better pervert.
Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Sadly some boys think of girls as books; If the cover doesn't catch their eye they don't bother to read whats inside.