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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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Shit happens bro. Now get over it.

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If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

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Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.

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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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Trust in God but lock your car.