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Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?

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Sadly some boys think of girls as books; If the cover doesn't catch their eye they don't bother to read whats inside.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.

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Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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When your mum decides to be in the room while you're on the computer so you just switch to Google and just stare at it.

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Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.

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Fall in love with my mind.

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Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.